


Beneath The Surface

by ShadyLantern



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Gen, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:34:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26248774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadyLantern/pseuds/ShadyLantern
Summary: Before he was the inquisitor, he was just an elf. An elf fighting to suppress his past.
Kudos: 1





	Beneath The Surface

Dia normally loved when all the clans met. It happened infrequently, once every few years for only a few days, but she always looked forward to it. So many of her dalish brothers and sisters in one place, sharing fireplaces and stories and enjoying their brief times together. Certainly it was meant more for the Keepers to trade news and argue, but for the rest of them, it was more like a time of celebration. 

Which made it all the more frustrating when she had to babysit her brother. 

They had only been here two days, but immediately upon arrival Cassiel had vanished from sight. At first Dia was unconcerned, thinking he needed some space from all the elves. A few hours time proved her wrong when she saw him later whispering in an elf’s ear, a half empty bottle in his hand. The fake smile plastered on his face made her want to be sick. 

And that had been the rest of his day and night. Every time she found him he was scurrying off with another man, or slinking back from an abandoned set of brush and trees, and always carrying a bottle or his pipe. She lost track of him by the time she had to go back to her family’s campsite, and the silence between her parents and sisters was uncomfortable. All of them pretending to have not noticed Cassiel’s absence. They were asleep by the time Cassiel slunk back into his and Dia’s shared tent, waking her briefly as he struggled into his bedroll. She could smell the alcohol on him the moment he came in. She shook her head slightly as he flopped heavily onto the ground, falling asleep immediately. 

He was as silent as ever at breakfast the next morning, eating without his expression changing, their parents and sisters chatting about this and that. Cassiel’s dead silence and hollow eyes had become so normal by then. Chilling and saddening, but the world did not stop rotating, and they could not all grieve forever. Mystral patted Cassiel gently on the head as he finished his meal, kissing him softly on the cheek. 

“We’ll need to cut your hair soon,” she said teasingly, stroking her fingers through the couple inches of fuzz that had grown. He nodded slowly, leaning into her hand when she patted him again. “Do you have any plans for the day, dalen?” He shook his head, still staring into their fire. Analis and Paithos watched him quietly as they ate, but said nothing. “Try to be back by midnight tonight, all right? We worry about you.”

“Yes, ma,” Cassiel said, his voice soft, almost incoherent. He helped Dia and their younger sisters wash up after breakfast, movements mechanical and automatic. Tinx poked him in the ribs. 

“You smell, Cassie,” she said. “Did you sleep in your clothes?” He didn’t respond, of course, putting their dishes away in a bag. “You should probably change before you go out again.”

“Tinx,” Paithos said warningly. The young elf swallowed hard, dropping the subject. Their father gently rubbed Cassiel’s shoulder, kissing his temple before leaving him be. When the washing was done and put away, Cassiel went back into his tent. 

“Don’t mock your brother,” Analis scolded in a quiet voice, looking at the twins sharply. Ilya started to protest, and he cut her off with a raised finger. “I know what you two are like. Don’t let me catch you smartmouthing at him again.”

Cassiel came back out in changed clothes, though he didn’t look at any of them. He stood quietly while the rest of them readied themselves to head out, eyes distant, staring into the trees blankly. Dia walked over to him, patting him on the arm. 

“Some of the clans brought their halla,” she said, hoping to provoke… something. He blinked slowly, not moving. Of course, he was likely already aware of that. He could feel every animal within a mile or more. “You should go speak to them. Some of the mothers just had their new foals.”

His eyes slowly turned over the camp. He didn’t even seem to have heard her. With one last look at their family, he turned and walked away, vanishing into the trees. Dia made a soft sigh, crossing her arms. She had a damn good feeling he wasn’t going to be seeing any halla today. 

She heard her mother echo her sigh behind her. Dia looked to her, seeing Mystral talking quietly with Analis and Paithos. Dia hesitated a moment, noticing Ilya and Tinx had run off as well, before approaching her parents. 

“Don’t be too hard on him,” Mystral was saying quietly. “It’s his first time being amongst other elves in years.”

“I’m not angry with him,” Analis said sombrely. “I just worry he’s going to hurt himself acting like…” He trailed off, noticing Dia nearby. “Eavesdropping, dalen?” he said with a wry smirk. Dia chuckled. 

“I’m think I’m old enough to join the grown-up conversation,” she remarked with a shrug. “And I worry about Cassiel too. I’m going to keep an eye on him today, just… make sure he doesn’t do anything too stupid.”

“Maybe we should talk with the other clans, make sure he doesn’t get any alcohol,” Analis suggested. Paithos made a face. 

“I don’t think that would work. And it would just make his issue… public. That won’t help his mood, and he might go after harder things if he can’t drink.” The man let out a long breath, running a hand down his face. “The gathering is only a few days. If he needs to drink and screw to let off some steam, maybe we should let him. Gods know he isn’t enjoying himself otherwise.”

That left a dismal silence over the four elves. Dia looked away. It had been six years since Breele died, and sometimes it felt like her brother had gone with him. Six years of hollow eyed stares and quiet, going about his day and duties with no vigour, no cheer. His skills were as exceptional as ever but there was no happiness to him, no enjoyment. She couldn’t remember the last time he had laughed or smiled. 

But in all that time, none of them had really spoken the fact out loud. They tried to treat Cassiel as normally as possible, hoping one day he would reemerge from the shell he had lost himself in. That one day the same bright and real smile would come back to his face, his eyes would light with his old fire. That he could feel some sort of real joy again. 

“I’ll go check on him,” Dia said after nearly a minute of silence. “If I tell him to follow me around, he will, for a while at least.”

“Thank you, Dia,” Mystral said softly. The elf nodded, heading off without another word toward where Cassiel had vanished into the trees. 

*****

Fortunately Cassiel seemed to have decided to pace himself after his late night. Dia found him wandering along the borders of other campsites, eyes distant, turning to her in slight surprise when she reached his side. 

“Hello, little brother,” she said amiably, patting his arm. He just looked at her, the same emotionless stare she’d had to get used to after all these years. She took him by the elbow, tugging him along gently. “Come on. I want to see clan Elavanel’s halla. And you can make sure their new foals are all healthy.”

He didn’t resist when she tugged at him, so she let him go, the elf following her as she led him along. She tried to think of something to talk about to fill the silence, but it was difficult when she knew it would be an entirely one-sided conversation. She glanced to her brother, his eyes watching the branches overhead. She could hear - and feel - a family of squirrels overhead, chittering to each other. The next tree had two solitary squirrels, both of them quarreling over a knothole. 

She blinked in surprise when sudden calm fell over them, one of them skittering off to another tree. She glanced to Cassiel, the elf still not looking at her, but she knew it must have been him. He wouldn’t have asserted his will over them, he would never have considered that right to do, but instead simply influenced them to find a peaceful solution. She thought it was sweet that he could still find concern for animals. It made her feel hopeful, that something of her brother was still left in there somewhere. 

She found the halla herd she had been looking for after several minutes, and it was a relief after struggling to chat with her brother all that time. She waved to the elves overseeing the herd. “Aneth ara!” she called out. She paused at the edge of the herd as one of the caretakers came closer, the elf smiling broadly to the two of them. 

“Aneth ara, sister and brother.” She nodded to them both. Cassiel lifted a hand, mouthing the words. “My name is Thanis Elavanel,” she said. Her vallaslin was bright yellow, in the shape of Ghilan’nain. “You’re welcome to visit the halla here. They’re migrating north with us.”

“I’m Dia, and this is Cassiel, both Lavellan,” Dia said. “He doesn’t talk much,” she added, gesturing to her brother. He was staring off at the halla now. Thanis smiled to him warmly, but he didn’t seem to notice. “He’s incredibly gifted with animals, though. Do you mind if he wanders the herd?”

“Not at all.” She waved to the halla, and Cassiel walked off immediately, heading straight for a mother with two foals. “Is he well?” Thanis asked Dia in a low voice. Dia made a face. 

“... no. But it’s not for me to speak of. Animals still seem to bring him… peace, if not happiness.” 

The two watched Cassiel approached the mother halla. He paused several feet away, the female looking at him before laying down comfortably. Cassiel neared her, kneeling down to run his hands over her snout. Thanis raised a brow. 

“She’s completely at ease. Is he gifted?”

“Yes, he is.” Dia smiled a bit, watching her brother lean his forehead against the halla’s. Her two foals stumbled around him awkwardly, bleating noisily. “Sometimes I think he was destined for Ghilan’nain, but he made his choice. Still, he never lost his love for the earth’s children.”

Dia watched her brother a while longer as he examined the three halla, stroking through their fur and expertly picking out various ticks and parasites that must have been irritating them. He looked at one of the foals, touching it’s chin quietly before straightening, walking back toward the two elves. 

“Young one has a rotting tooth,” he said briskly. Thanis creased her brow, looking to the foal. “He doesn’t recognise it as pain yet. Thinks he has food stuck in his teeth.”

“Oh dear…” Thanis nodded to him. “Thank you brother, I’ll need to deal with that right away.” She hurried toward the halla family, rifling through her pack. Cassiel looked over the rest of the herd, blinking slowly. 

“You can visit the others if you want,” Dia said, urging him along. “Thanis said it’s all right, and I’m sure she’s more than happy to have someone look them over like you do.”

Cassiel nodded slowly, heading toward another of the halla. A big buck this time. Once again, he barely needed to stop and introduce himself before the animal let him near. Dia smiled. Peace at least, if not happiness. 

Dia spent a while with Thanis, chatting with her about the halla, and her clan, and other various topics of interest. The rumours about mage uprisings in shemlen towns. Those always brought a laugh. Humans who thought they could control something uncontrollable. Magic was as natural as water, and trying to tame a raging river was as fruitless as trying to tie down a mage. It could be done, for a time, but eventually it would burst free and the damage would be catastrophic. Nature would always outlast constraint. 

Dia barely noticed the time passing until she saw the sun arching toward midday. She stood from where she was seated on the ground with Thanis, brushing off her clothes. 

“I think me and Cassiel should get going. He’s probably hungry by now.” She peered over the herd. Thanis stood with her, glancing around. 

“I think he left a while ago.”

“What?” Dia looked to her quickly. 

“Sorry, I wasn’t really keeping track of him. But I haven’t seen him or felt the halla reacting to him in a long time.”

“Shit.” Dia kicked at the ground in frustration. Of course that bastard would slip off when her eyes were off him. Thanis looked at her curiously. 

“Is he dangerous alone?”

“No, no…” Dia sighed, rubbing the back of her neck. “It’s… It’s hard to explain. I just really don’t want him to be on his own right now.”

Thanis nodded, smiling warmly. “I understand. I’m sure you can find him. Maybe he went back to your clan, or your family? You said he would be getting hungry.”

Dia nodded absently, excusing herself and heading off. She doubted very much he would be going anywhere she could find him. More than likely he had caught on that she intended to keep a close eye on him and slipped off. And if he didn’t want to be found, she might have a very hard time tracking him down. 

*****

As she had suspected, Dia could not find Cassiel for the rest of the day. Not for long, anyway 

She caught sight of him every so often, fleeting glimpses, but he would vanish before she could fix her eyes on him. Frustration mounted in her chest as time passed, the sun tilting toward the west. Eventually, despite her best efforts, she gave up, letting herself have a break so she could have some supper. She ate at another clans’ campsite, who happily welcomed her to share their fireplace. Very kind elves who chatted with her cheerfully, despite her lack of focus. 

Dia had just finished eating when she noticed someone slipping by in the darkening trees. She narrowed her eyes, but waited until they had moved on before politely excusing herself, thanking the elves for the meal and following carefully after her brother. Fortunately he seemed to be some level of inebriated, stumbling and not noticing her several feet behind him. And then she caught sight of the fellow he was approaching, and she stopped dead in her tracks. 

“And here I thought you were going to leave me wanting,” the elf said in a heated voice. Cassiel chuckled mirthlessly, leaning into him. 

“Cassiel!” Dia snapped, stepping forward. Her brother jerked back in shock, stumbling over his feet and falling on the ground. The other elf was quickly tying his pants as Dia stormed closer, glaring at him. “What is wrong with you?” she spat. “Can’t you smell the alcohol on him?”

“Dia for fuck’s….” Cassiel slurred. Dia shot him a look, but glowered at the strange elf until he quailed under her eyes. He ran off, darting nervous looks back at her. “Well, fucking…” Cassiel struggled to push himself to his feet. Dia grabbed his arm, yanking him up roughly. “Thanks soooo fucking much,” Cassiel said bitterly. He was unsteady just standing straight, and he reeked of alcohol and elfroot. “You saved me Dia, congratulations, now I’m alllll better.”

Dia sneered at him, shaking her head. “You’re pathetic,” she said. Cassiel scoffed, putting out a hand to lean on a tree and stumbling once more as he missed it. Dia caught him before he fell flat on his face, tugging him close. “For gods’ sake Cassiel, you couldn’t leave some alcohol for the rest of the dalish?”

“Oh fuck you!” Cassiel shouted. Dia raised a brow in surprise. “Fuck you even care what I do, the fuck it even matters! When does it matter, when did it ever matter!”

“Cassiel you are not making any sense.” She was shaken by the anger on his face. It had been years since she had seen him with any emotion but that empty expression. He shoved her off, nearly falling over again. 

“Just leave me alone…”

“Oh right, sure, I’ll leave you alone Cassiel. I’ll leave you alone to drink half the camp and fuck the other half!” Dia threw her hands in the air. “And then our parents can wring their hands in worry because their stupid son is drowning himself in men and booze and this is the happiest we’ve seen you in years!”

“Then let me!” Cassiel shouted back. “Let me drown my stupid self! Everyone’s solutions so much better than mine!”

Dia let out a sigh, pinching her forehead in frustration. He was making no sense, and he was so drunk she doubted he was even understanding her. She took him by the hand, pulling him along behind her roughly. He resisted for a moment, but she was stronger than him, and forced him along with brute strength. 

“Where are we going…”

“Back to our tent. Hopefully nobody else is back yet.” The sun hadn’t set yet, so her family would probably still be out for a few hours. Cassiel stumbled, falling on the ground behind her. She sighed, turning back to him. She wasn’t going to be able to get him very far like this. She knelt down, taking his hand more gently. “Cassie,” she said softly. He looked up at her, eyes unfocused. “I’m sorry, all right? But you need to sleep this off.”

“Don’t want to sleep…” he mumbled, but he took her hand, letting her pick him up. She took his arm in hers, guiding him along more carefully. “Sleep… and dream… I don’t want to…”

He mumbled more under his breath, but he was barely coherent. Dia made sure to give any camps they came across a wide berth, not wanting to make Cassiel’s state of inebriation any more public than it already was. She let out a soft breath. Cassiel had barely spoke more than two words for years, and when she could finally get him talking he was a drunk mess. 

It took them a long time to reach their camp, with Cassiel stumbling along, but they reached it as the sun tipped to the horizon. Dia was relieved to see no one else there. She gently guided Cassiel to their tent. 

“Get inside. I’ll grab you some water.”

He slurred something as he crawled inside the tent, but she ignored it, rifling through their packs for a canteen. She followed him inside to see her brother flop down heavily on top of his bedroll, not bothering to get inside or undress. 

“Way too hot in here…” he grumbled. She held out the canteen for him, and he took it gratefully, pressing it to his cheek. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” She sat down on her own sleeping bag beside him, sighing. May as well stay here and make sure he didn’t wander off again. Cassiel wasn’t bothering to drink from the canteen, just holding it his face and grumbling about the heat. “Take your jacket off if you’re warm, Cassie,” she said after a few moments. 

“I’m sorry, Dia.” 

She looked at him in surprise. He was staring up at the roof of the tent absently, eyes still unfocused but bright. Dia paused, wondering if she was about to be subjected to more drunken babble, but something about his face… She shuffled closer, resting a hand on his arm. 

“Didn’t really mean to be like this, y’know?” He spoke slowly, as though struggling to get the words out. Probably was, really. “When I was thirty six… Thought I’d be different. Elsewhere.”

“Like where?” she asked softly, rubbing his arm. Cassiel let out a heavy sigh. 

“Anywhere. Not here.” He closed his eyes, nostrils wrinkling. Tears welled up in his eyes, streaking down his face. “Still wake up… expecting to see him here. See him with me.” He let out a ragged breath. “Wake up, always wondering why he isn’t here. Did he get up early, did he work late? But no. He’s gone… Gone and dead and not coming back.” He wrapped his arms over his head, quivering. Dia stroked over his side, swallowing hard. “What was the point? What was the point. Didn’t matter who we were, who he was… All gone. Everything we did and tried and he’s dead. And I couldn’t stop it.” His voice broke into sobs, body curling into a tight ball. Dia watched him painfully. 

“Cassie,” she whispered. “This isn’t your fault.”

“It _is_ my fault!” he blurted out. “Is my fault! I stepped out. He wanted to save me. He died and I lived. I should have died. My fault. He could have done this without me… I can’t do it without him…”

He broke down into sobs once more, shoulders shaking. Dia pulled him into her arms gently, and he pressed to her desperately, clutching at her shirt, crying and trembling. She stroked over his back soothingly, letting him cry, feeling her own eyes burn with tears. 

“It’s not your fault, Cassiel,” she whispered again. “You can’t blame yourself for what free-willed people do.”

Cassiel murmured something in broken elvish she could barely make out. She caught an apology and nothing else. She couldn’t even be sure he had heard her. She just held him, letting out a long breath, rubbing his back softly. He seemed to be done talking, to her at least, sobbing and muttering in elvish. 

It took him a long time to fall asleep, and it was a relief when she felt his body finally relax. After years of emotional silence, the sudden onslaught was almost more than she could bear. She wasn’t sure what was tougher to swallow: the idea that her brother was dead inside his hollow shell, or that all of these awful feelings of guilt and pain were still trapped there just below the surface, begging to break free. And that when he was sober, he simply refused to release him. 

_“Why won’t you talk to us, Cassie?”_ Dia thought to herself. It wasn’t as though they hadn’t encouraged to speak, kept themselves open to his needs. Was there something he felt he needed to hide? Or was he afraid to speak? As far she knew, he had never spoken to anyone about what happened to him and Breele. Not even to the scouts who found them.

Dia sighed, closing her eyes. She wondered if Cassiel would even remember this come the next morning. She doubted she would be able to get him to talk again. She stroked over his back, wishing she could do more. Wishing she knew what to to do to help her brother.


End file.
